I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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