If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize