you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
