nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
