Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
