we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
