when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
