I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
