Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
