Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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