i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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