My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Help. Why am I so naked?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
