Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
