go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
