I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
