college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
