you guys were way drunker than both of me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
