Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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