Screwed.edu
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
