He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize