seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
