And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
