[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
