i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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