she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
