Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
