Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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