If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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