What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
