is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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