so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
