I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Less talking, more tequila
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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