i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
