Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
