Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
