my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
