Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
