I faked an abortion last night.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
