I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
