I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
