I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
