I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
