i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He has the fingertips of a God
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