Betty ford says i'm here all night
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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