I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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