i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
