How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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