I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
