I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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