Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
