I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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