it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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