I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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