Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
