he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Never joke about your clitoris.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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