my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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