I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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