Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
why is half of my head shaved?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
